It really brings a guy down, being surrounded by dismal and depressing grey clouds. I much prefer summer, I have decided. That's right, after 22 years of thinking I was a winter person (winter has jumpers, scarves and snuggling -- what's not to love?) I now discover that I am actually a beach-lover. My fear of melanoma and sunburn has evaporated in the rays of sunshine and left a different Beau behind -- hence the reason I am escaping this shitty winter and visiting the much more tropical regions of the world.
Which brings me to the point of my post. The formal identification of Beau. For twenty-two years, I've been somewhat of an odd child. I'm sure I've made mention before this theory before: that I'm somewhat of a social chameleon, changing my personality from hour to hour depending on my company. It's always made be a bit uncomfortable to acknowledge the fact but never enough to do anything about changing it.
Turns out that bit happens on its own.
Yup, this post is another about me. Some people use blogs as their own personal Facebooks with the intention of gaining readers and feedback; some record amusing anecdotes of their day; some use it to document their daily adventures; me? I talk about myself. Move on if that doesn't interest you. =)
So as I approach the wise old age of 23, I find myself developing a bit more concrete views of myself and I think I owe it to the last year, to my relocation to Newcastle which forced a lot of growing up.
I used to live with my sister and treated her as a mum. She did the shopping, she cleaned and she cooked. Good practice for her impending second child, to look at it in a positive light. I relied wayyyy to much on everyone else. Then I moved to Newcastle. I took that first step and started looking after myself and being responsible wholly and solely for myself. But still I relied so heavily on other people. It's a bad habit and I've got to get out of it. I've never had to rely on myself but that's not going to last forever -- so that's my new goal: become more self-sufficient!
It's so cliched to claim that I've had some sort of life-changing experience that has made me into some sort of whole new person and that's not the case I'm trying to make -- or at least, not what I'm aiming for. It's just a reassessment of the things floating through my mind on this dreary day where there's little else to do but reflect.
Uni has been the main factor is all of this, I think. And my relationships with the people I've come to really care about. I've been wrapped up in my relationship with Marcus that I've managed to neglect not only my friends but myself, too. I've gotten so wrapped up in being Beau+Mark that I've forgotten about plain ol' Beau. I've changed a lot of myself and I'm not really a fan of some parts of person I've become. Which again, is kind of a good thing. I realise now the parts of me that I like/liked and know what parts of me I now see as Actual Me rather than Chameleon me.
Young Adult psychological moratorium. Erikson would be so proud.
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